Of beginnings and such
Jan. 31st, 2018 04:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arobinsnest
I decided a long time ago to not share my thoughts where anyone could read them. Growing up with brothers will do that to you. But now that I’m grown up and on my own, I find that it’s worse having them in my own head. And more important: I’d like to remember my life as it happens.
I’ve been looking back at the past decade of my life and wondering what happened to it. Who was the girl in these pictures? Who was I? And I have these memories, but they’re so easy to influence. I know that now. And I don’t want that. I want to remember who I am, and what I’ve done, and why. Another decade from now, I don’t want to look back and wonder. I want to know why I made these choices, and why I wouldn’t go back. Then, if when I’m thirty-six, I say, “Why was I so foolish?” I can read these words and know. And maybe I’m being foolish. I won’t know until hindsight clarifies things. And maybe by then I’ll be less angry, and it won’t cloud my judgement, but I don’t know. There’s no way to know. So I’m going to trust myself, this time.
I am giving myself permission to be angry, and mean, and rude. I’ve talked a lot with Clarissa about this. (First-year college roommate, for the record.) She’s a big feminist, and she said that women are taught to not get angry. And to not be forward, and to blame ourselves for things, and to always say sorry. And I decided to try to change that about myself. So about this one thing, at least, I am allowed to be angry.
And I am. I am so angry!!!! I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!! HOW COULD HE!!!
I don’t want to think about that right now. I’m going to go cook dinner for me and Clarissa. (We’ve been trying some of mum’s old recipes, and they’re amazing.) Then we’re going to Krav Maga, and I am going to punch something. And that feels so good. And he would hate that I was doing it, which makes it that much sweeter.
Anyway, I’m going to try to write once a week at least. Chronicle my life from here on out. We’ll see what happens with this. I might leave off in a month. But it feels good to just bang out my thoughts and leave them here. SO maybe not.
Future self: hello. I hope you’re happy. I hope you left this anger behind somewhere. I don’t want to carry it forever. But god, it feels brilliant right now.
I’ve been looking back at the past decade of my life and wondering what happened to it. Who was the girl in these pictures? Who was I? And I have these memories, but they’re so easy to influence. I know that now. And I don’t want that. I want to remember who I am, and what I’ve done, and why. Another decade from now, I don’t want to look back and wonder. I want to know why I made these choices, and why I wouldn’t go back. Then, if when I’m thirty-six, I say, “Why was I so foolish?” I can read these words and know. And maybe I’m being foolish. I won’t know until hindsight clarifies things. And maybe by then I’ll be less angry, and it won’t cloud my judgement, but I don’t know. There’s no way to know. So I’m going to trust myself, this time.
I am giving myself permission to be angry, and mean, and rude. I’ve talked a lot with Clarissa about this. (First-year college roommate, for the record.) She’s a big feminist, and she said that women are taught to not get angry. And to not be forward, and to blame ourselves for things, and to always say sorry. And I decided to try to change that about myself. So about this one thing, at least, I am allowed to be angry.
And I am. I am so angry!!!! I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!! HOW COULD HE!!!
I don’t want to think about that right now. I’m going to go cook dinner for me and Clarissa. (We’ve been trying some of mum’s old recipes, and they’re amazing.) Then we’re going to Krav Maga, and I am going to punch something. And that feels so good. And he would hate that I was doing it, which makes it that much sweeter.
Anyway, I’m going to try to write once a week at least. Chronicle my life from here on out. We’ll see what happens with this. I might leave off in a month. But it feels good to just bang out my thoughts and leave them here. SO maybe not.
Future self: hello. I hope you’re happy. I hope you left this anger behind somewhere. I don’t want to carry it forever. But god, it feels brilliant right now.
